Friday I created a new blog to track how what I'm eating affects my mood - I was doing great for about 2 weeks and then a major depressive episode hit and I was miserable and eating miserably for the past week - hopefully writing about it everyday will help me to eat healthfully and remind me how awful I feel when I give into bingeing or bingeing &purging

I read a book about a girl and her recovery - I had some interesting ED related thoughts while reading it
"why isn't the voice in my head telling me i'm worthless and not to eat?"
"why is it that my punishment for myself is to eat - why can't it be to cut or starve"


my head has ED thoughts running through it - although they sound healthier than thoughts telling you to starve yourself they aren't - they are the voice of someone who's better than everyone else someone who thinks eating a ton of crappy food is ok - and usually when this voice wins i end up purging
"you can so eat that its not like you'll ever get fat"
"you'll have more energy if you eat that sugary candy/chocolate"
"now that you've had sugar you need LOTS of carbs to sop up the sugar - your tummy hurts because you can't handle sugar on its own"
"its not like it matters no one can tell when you gain or lose weight anyway"

i also use bingeing as a way to procrastinate and to not think about anything - for some reason even reading things on the internet that i'm interested in i feel anxious and like i want a snack to calm me down/ help me focus

Do I have a real identity outside of the one I've manufactured for myself?

I don't think I would know what my identity would be with out my eating disorder. Sometimes I think I like having it because it gives me something - but if i reached a goal weight then I would be done - its almost like i enjoy the torture of never reaching my goal - is miserable my comfort zone?

I feel like I manufactured this in order to have something interesting in my life - I feel like even if I didn't make anything up I'll always feel like I have

my god i'm crazy

i need to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until its all better & clearer......