med free & finally back in talk therapy

I missed a therapy appt in June of 2011 - paid my $50 fee and never looked back. Since 2011 I have tried over 5 different medications bringing my grand mental health meds total to 14

FINALLY i sucked it up and decided to get back into therapy - the hardest part was researching and finding a doctor that would take me after 5pm so the appts wouldn't interfere with my job. I have been attending weekly Holistic Mindfulness therapy which is a mix of talk therapy & the thinking that goes along with practicing yoga and I have to say I'm making some breakthroughs that I didn't expect.

I decided to taper off of my current medication (Topamax) because I honestly didn't feel any happier on it - also I was excited about the weight loss side effects which never came - the only side effect I experienced was tingly hands and anger.

I have been binge/purge free since 8/17/2014 and am extremely proud that although I have gained weight I have been able to refrain from that behavior.

Right now I'm having about one good day for every bad day and I have some new tools that are really helping me. I've found a renewed interest in both Astrology and Religion. I'm always afraid to admit to either of these since both can carry stimga but I take from both what lessons & information I find helpful and leave the information I feel doesn't apply or fit with my values.



~Kelsie
Recovery is far from a straight line but I keep telling myself that every step back is a bruise not a tattoo

I'm tired of waking up feeling like crap every morning - trying to force myself to have hope for the day - by the time night comes I'm racking my brain in front of the computer researching what my purpose should be
I always feel like what I have isn't enough and that I need to be doing more like volunteering
but i realized last night that I'm not giving my current life 100%

my theory
love is the meaning of life - life is about wanting love, finding love, growing love, losing love, & rejoining love after death
I want to grow the love between me and my family so we will be rejoined after death

blind!

being blind must really suck - my vision is beyond bad (-12.0 in BOTH eyes) - i got pink eye tuesday and since i never want to pay $$$ to get new glasses i'm basically blind - luckily i can hold my phone 3 inches from my face - otherwise i think i would be going nuts
its been 5 days blind - 1 more to go
im currently obsessed with twitter @beauty_breaks but i def need more than 160 characters to sort out my head
i'm fasting today and tomorrow because i cant leave the house, i can't see the tv, and i've already done everything i can think of

Friday fast started 7:30pm
took 5 ativan over the course of the night - i just couldn't get to sleep - and all i want is to sleep through this fast and this miserable boring weekend

Saturday woke up at 1030
-green tea & manderin orange spice tea
-apple cider vinegar + water
-seltzer water
-1 hour workout Tracy Anderson
-lots of stretching

i'm hoping to make it to 6pm with nothing else then load up on Ativan and sleep through til tomorrow
tomorrow is supposed to be around 70 so i will be laying out - even if i do live too far north to get a tan - planning to drink tea, apple cider vinegar and maybe chicken broth if i need it

Monday will be first day back  - i'm so ready to get out of the house!
5am-6am gym
water/ acv
745am leave for work
tea
applesauce
chicken broth w cooked carrots
walk at lunch
chicken broth w cooked carrots
cooked green beans
applesauce
almond milk
8pm bed

Friday I created a new blog to track how what I'm eating affects my mood - I was doing great for about 2 weeks and then a major depressive episode hit and I was miserable and eating miserably for the past week - hopefully writing about it everyday will help me to eat healthfully and remind me how awful I feel when I give into bingeing or bingeing &purging

I read a book about a girl and her recovery - I had some interesting ED related thoughts while reading it
"why isn't the voice in my head telling me i'm worthless and not to eat?"
"why is it that my punishment for myself is to eat - why can't it be to cut or starve"


my head has ED thoughts running through it - although they sound healthier than thoughts telling you to starve yourself they aren't - they are the voice of someone who's better than everyone else someone who thinks eating a ton of crappy food is ok - and usually when this voice wins i end up purging
"you can so eat that its not like you'll ever get fat"
"you'll have more energy if you eat that sugary candy/chocolate"
"now that you've had sugar you need LOTS of carbs to sop up the sugar - your tummy hurts because you can't handle sugar on its own"
"its not like it matters no one can tell when you gain or lose weight anyway"

i also use bingeing as a way to procrastinate and to not think about anything - for some reason even reading things on the internet that i'm interested in i feel anxious and like i want a snack to calm me down/ help me focus

Do I have a real identity outside of the one I've manufactured for myself?

I don't think I would know what my identity would be with out my eating disorder. Sometimes I think I like having it because it gives me something - but if i reached a goal weight then I would be done - its almost like i enjoy the torture of never reaching my goal - is miserable my comfort zone?

I feel like I manufactured this in order to have something interesting in my life - I feel like even if I didn't make anything up I'll always feel like I have

my god i'm crazy

i need to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until its all better & clearer......

I've lost 8 lbs since 1/17 and it hasn't been hard even though i'm eating under 1200 calories most of the time - its weird - i was only a lb or 2 lighter than this 4 yrs ago and i feel so much bigger right now - before i could see the bone at the top of my shoulder
i know in the past i've gained weight in different places so maybe i'm just losing it in different places this time
i've had my scale for like 5 years so maybe its battery is on the way out and its not accurate -there is a scale that you like sit on at work so i think ill use that first thing tomorrow just to see if the numbers are close
even my smallest size 2s are fitting
i dont want to jinx it but i think the increase to 125mg of lamical is helping
i'm not sure if maybe this time its so easy because i'm not despreate or in a hurry to get to a gw - anything under 127 is lower than i've been in years - its almost like a game i'm playing with myself - i realize that this is a distraction from my life - if i'm always thinking about my disease than i can't think about whatever else is in my head

my Lamictal was upped to 125mg on Monday and so far no side effects other than the insomnia which if anyone's been on a ton of different meds knows that 1 slightly annoying side effect is worth tolerating. Since last Thursday I've gone from 134 to 128 - i'm sure the first 3 lbs were all water weight
I've been under 1200 calories everyday - i'm not doing anything super low like i used to aka 500 - i've been trying to go to the gym everyday too - i honestly feel less hungry after working out and that has been great since i usually blow my cals at night
I actually think i'm starting to feel a little better on the higher dose - dont want to jinx it tho - i think i will actually get down to my GW since i'm not desperate for it
before I was in such a hurry to get to my LW that I ended up blowing it - right now I almost fit into all of my sz 2 work pants and all of the sz 4s are big so every lb after I fit in all my pants will just be a benefit

sometimes i think i obsess over my disorder so i dont have to think about anything else - i think that is how it was with k at work - i put all my focus and energy into hating her, not being able to even hear her voice with out obsessive thoughts about her all day - but now she isn't working here anymore and once i started it has been so easy just to shift my thoughts to something else - of course that something else is my eating disorder but at least so far its just restrictive and not slipping back into b/p
i honestly have no desire to purge even if i get full - but i'm not sure if i'll feel differently aka the same as i used too now that this obsession is back