Feeling Stuck

being stuck
I can't make decisions- I can't even make a dream board - I can never pick one thing because for some reason I've never had a clear idea of what I want. Nothing drives me. I would love to do the kind of work that a person can only do if they have enough money to never have to have a real full time job. To even volunteer in the areas that I want I would have to have a job at night - all of the volunteer opportunities are during normal business hours. Every second shift job I have found pays no where near what I am making now. Its all so frustrating - I think I'm going to make today a lazy sunday (as if every moment I'm home isn't a lazy time) - sleeping on the couch and going to be early it is.

"I'll try and start over again tomorrow" I never believe it when I say it - I wish I could have something that I was working towards that I cared about. Nothing is motivating or special to me. I've trained and ran in half marathons, I've planned fundraisers and events, I've gotten in shape for weddings and special events. It all feels so pointless - I just don't care - I just don't
I want to just stay home with my dog and do nothing.

So obviously my mood is depressed and hopeless today - I had a few drinks at a halloween party last night and today I feel horrible - this was the first time I had drank more than 1 glass of wine on the Lamictal. I'm not sure if it was that the vodka was so cheap, the meds or a combination of both.

i wish i was sick.

wanting to be sick
I've always wanted to have an illness that after a lot of suffering I could overcome and then advocate for and dedicate my life to helping others.
oh wait i have one... several actually.... thanks to some reflection and suggestions from others I think what I really want is to have an illness that is obvious from the outside and one that is not so taboo as mental illness. Everyday I'm in pain but no one can see it and a mental health diagnosis is never 100% black & white. with an illness such as cancer you are in pain but its easy for others to see that pain and if you do a walk or talk about it at work its accepted.
I would never go into my work and tell them about my mental illness or try and raise money for a cause related to it. I'm too afraid of my employer knowing about my mental health and using it (even subconsciously) against me - which you KNOW everyone does - even if they don't mean to, their perception of you changes once they know you have a mental illness.
My employer knows I have ADD & Anxiety but they only reason they know is because I have monthly doctor appointments to get my ADD meds and since I am so good at my job I figured they'd see it as me overcoming my lack of attention and being one of the best in my department. Which has worked out (I suspect because ADD is so prevalent now) but I would NEVER tell them about my MDD or possible PD.


and the things they carry at the Dollar store....

brrrr its too cold to get up for work

I'm always cold and being cold makes me feel miserable - I have really poor circulation as it is in my hands and feet and once they turn white it takes a long time for them to warm back up - sometimes even hot water running in the tub wont help.
I'm addicted to scorching hot tea and soups - I feel so much better when I'm warmed from the inside out
I would never get out of bed in the mornings because its so cold unless I really really really had to go to the bathroom - so now to make sure I get up for work I drink a bottle of water right before I get into bed and it never wakes me up in the middle of the night but as soon as my alarm goes off I HAVE to get up.

Day 8 of Lamictal and the 7th day I'm off my pill (I stopped taking it Friday instead of Saturday because I just really wanted to get this over with - especially before Saturday when we have Halloween parties to go to) I'm not feeling any better depression wise but from everything I've read it takes time and I'll need to be at a higher dose before I feel any real relief.
I also read that when you are in the process of working up to a steady dose Lamictal will have you feeling good one week and then crappy the next until you up your dose again.
I've had some headaches and stuffy head but those are easy to handle.

I hate going to work and would LOVE if I could work from home - I'm not sure if its social anxiety or if its just depression - it could more the depression because thinking about getting dressed and putting on makeup and going to work is what I would love to avoid.

Social Responses

I would love to do a study about social responses but I doubt anyone would be honest about what thoughts flash through their mind before they say or do something. I started to keep a notebook of my social responses and I think it is so interesting but it's hard to be honest since alot of the thoughts are kind of embarrassing/pathetic/not sure how to describe them. A co-worker asked me "are you leaving the office at lunch time?" and what flashed through my mind before i answered was 'what does she want me to say? if i give the wrong answer will i be giving up doing something or being invited to do something' i gave a really vague answer that i was thinking about it but i was going to be feeling lazy.
Once i get more data I think i'll do a whole post dedicated to the subconscious/embarrassing stuff in my head.

I'm on day 6 of taking Lamictal - I'm also on my sugar pill week of my birth control and birth control limits the amount of Lamictal that gets absorbed so I think i might feel side effects more this week than last week
Next Wednesday I increase to 50mg for 2 weeks. From what I've read 100mg is considered a therapeutic dose.
I haven't felt any less hungry on it and I do have some side effects like feeling headachy and a little tired/light headed.

Today at lunch I was walking around and I took a picture on my phone because I really like how the pavement looks here

Anger

one of the major reasons i'm hoping that Lamictal works is that it can relieve anger and irritability. i definitely can get angry to the point of not being able to control it. luckily that doesn't happen very often. i also hold grudges. grudges that fester and consume my thoughts. its all i can think about and sometimes i wonder if by focusing all of my thoughts and energy on being angry that i'm escaping from my head. from thinking about how unhappy and confused i am about my life.

i have a really hard time letting go when someone does something to me and if i have to see that person everyday at work for example then i have a really really hard time getting over it. i've been able to get over things before but i never had to see the person again.

i feel like if i can get my sh*t in order that i might not need to hold on to the anger anymore. and i say might because i'm always afraid that i'll get my hopes up that x,y. or z will be the answer and that once i accomplish it i will still feel like i do now.

is listening a hobby?

i've always wanted a hobby or something that i was good at like creating. I have to many ideas in my head but none of them stick out and i haven't naturally been drawn to any of them. so often i hear that people grew up drawing/sewing/writing etc as their way to relax, their escape, something they felt compelled to do.

i actually do have some natural ability to draw/paint but i have the same problem i do with anything - i can't decided on what to draw! its so frustrating to sit there and not be able to just doodle because i can't let go of thinking about what it is i should draw.

the only thing i can think of that i feel passionate about is listening to books on tape. i'm not sure what it is exactly that i love about audiobooks but i can't get enough and lucky for me the local libraries are full of them.

i definitely love being able to do something else (driving/cleaning/running) while listening. listening and picturing the story keeps my attention better than anything else. and it offers me the ultimate reward - an escape from my thoughts.

ADD vs. Anxiety

my head is always crammed full with the beginnings of ideas and i feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. I can't concentrate because I can't pick one idea. Each time I try and start one thing my mind whirls and all I can think is "was this the right choice? do i really want to be doing this over the other ideas i have? what if i should have picked something else"
At first I was diagnosed with Adult ADD and it made sense, I can't concentrate. 
Thinking back to HS I might have had a mild degree of ADD/ADHD was outgoing, impulsive, and loud but I got good grades, wasn't disruptive and excelled in sports.
I concentrate the best while doing something else (example: i made it through college by constantly eating while typing papers) Its like i need a monotonous or background activity to complete other things. Working out was like that too I needed TV, music, magazine and sometimes that wasn't enough.
ADD medication (Straterra, Adderall, Dexedrine) did nothing for me in terms of concentration. I felt jittery and over caffeinated. In college people had told me how great it is to have meds like those and how I would be able to study and concentrate for hours. That was definitely not the case. (on a related ADD med note my appetite in NO WAY decreased)


A few years ago I started thinking even though I fit most of the criteria for ADD, maybe thats not it. I have always been anxious and slightly paranoid (mostly out of insecurity - straining to hear if I was being talked about in HS, worrying if we partnered up in class if I would be sitting there alone forced to work with someone else that also didn't have a friend in the class that didn't like someone else better)
When I get alot of work to do, I immediately feel overwhelmed and get this rush of adrenaline. My thoughts race and I want to get everything done NOW. right now. I have trouble thinking about where to start and how to prioritize. Luckily its manageable where I can calm myself down and get my work done.
Anxiety meds (Xanax, Ativan) do work quickly but they also leave me feeling tired and slow for the rest of the day after the anxiety has passed.
I have social anxiety - I never leave the house without carefully selecting everything I wear (even if its just workout pants and a hoodie) If I am out and don't feel I look the way that I want to then I feel this constant anxious adrenaline filled energy gripping my head and chest.


ADD, Anxiety, insecurity? I hope by paying attention to my reactions and writing them down I can help myself understand

a place of truth

this is my dark journal

i'm tired of thinking of ways to change my life to give it meaning to make it better when there is already so much good - i'm afraid of so many things i feel a constant fear but so far in my life its been manageable. what else is manageable - my anxiety, the subtle linger thoughts of paranoia
what is not so manageable - my depression, my anger

I feel like a foggy headed zombie today - but i'm okay with that because the fuzz in my head is preventing me from feeling all the pain and stress that i put on my self to figure out a way to change things and make everything better

today even as strange as I feel I know it's from the new meds and with those new meds came hope that this will be the cocktail I've been looking for.

I need a place to throw the garbage that are my thoughts when i'm in this kind of place in my head - and i might as well track how i'm doing on my new meds.

Wellbutrin 300mg (taken in am)

Lamictal 25mg (taken in am) - 4th day 

side effects: sore muscles, tired during the day, but awake when i try to go to bed

Ativan .5mg (taken at night as needed to sleep)