I'm tired of waking up feeling like crap every morning - trying to force myself to have hope for the day - by the time night comes I'm racking my brain in front of the computer researching what my purpose should be
I always feel like what I have isn't enough and that I need to be doing more like volunteering
but i realized last night that I'm not giving my current life 100%

my theory
love is the meaning of life - life is about wanting love, finding love, growing love, losing love, & rejoining love after death
I want to grow the love between me and my family so we will be rejoined after death

blind!

being blind must really suck - my vision is beyond bad (-12.0 in BOTH eyes) - i got pink eye tuesday and since i never want to pay $$$ to get new glasses i'm basically blind - luckily i can hold my phone 3 inches from my face - otherwise i think i would be going nuts
its been 5 days blind - 1 more to go
im currently obsessed with twitter @beauty_breaks but i def need more than 160 characters to sort out my head
i'm fasting today and tomorrow because i cant leave the house, i can't see the tv, and i've already done everything i can think of

Friday fast started 7:30pm
took 5 ativan over the course of the night - i just couldn't get to sleep - and all i want is to sleep through this fast and this miserable boring weekend

Saturday woke up at 1030
-green tea & manderin orange spice tea
-apple cider vinegar + water
-seltzer water
-1 hour workout Tracy Anderson
-lots of stretching

i'm hoping to make it to 6pm with nothing else then load up on Ativan and sleep through til tomorrow
tomorrow is supposed to be around 70 so i will be laying out - even if i do live too far north to get a tan - planning to drink tea, apple cider vinegar and maybe chicken broth if i need it

Monday will be first day back  - i'm so ready to get out of the house!
5am-6am gym
water/ acv
745am leave for work
tea
applesauce
chicken broth w cooked carrots
walk at lunch
chicken broth w cooked carrots
cooked green beans
applesauce
almond milk
8pm bed

Friday I created a new blog to track how what I'm eating affects my mood - I was doing great for about 2 weeks and then a major depressive episode hit and I was miserable and eating miserably for the past week - hopefully writing about it everyday will help me to eat healthfully and remind me how awful I feel when I give into bingeing or bingeing &purging

I read a book about a girl and her recovery - I had some interesting ED related thoughts while reading it
"why isn't the voice in my head telling me i'm worthless and not to eat?"
"why is it that my punishment for myself is to eat - why can't it be to cut or starve"


my head has ED thoughts running through it - although they sound healthier than thoughts telling you to starve yourself they aren't - they are the voice of someone who's better than everyone else someone who thinks eating a ton of crappy food is ok - and usually when this voice wins i end up purging
"you can so eat that its not like you'll ever get fat"
"you'll have more energy if you eat that sugary candy/chocolate"
"now that you've had sugar you need LOTS of carbs to sop up the sugar - your tummy hurts because you can't handle sugar on its own"
"its not like it matters no one can tell when you gain or lose weight anyway"

i also use bingeing as a way to procrastinate and to not think about anything - for some reason even reading things on the internet that i'm interested in i feel anxious and like i want a snack to calm me down/ help me focus

Do I have a real identity outside of the one I've manufactured for myself?

I don't think I would know what my identity would be with out my eating disorder. Sometimes I think I like having it because it gives me something - but if i reached a goal weight then I would be done - its almost like i enjoy the torture of never reaching my goal - is miserable my comfort zone?

I feel like I manufactured this in order to have something interesting in my life - I feel like even if I didn't make anything up I'll always feel like I have

my god i'm crazy

i need to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until its all better & clearer......

I've lost 8 lbs since 1/17 and it hasn't been hard even though i'm eating under 1200 calories most of the time - its weird - i was only a lb or 2 lighter than this 4 yrs ago and i feel so much bigger right now - before i could see the bone at the top of my shoulder
i know in the past i've gained weight in different places so maybe i'm just losing it in different places this time
i've had my scale for like 5 years so maybe its battery is on the way out and its not accurate -there is a scale that you like sit on at work so i think ill use that first thing tomorrow just to see if the numbers are close
even my smallest size 2s are fitting
i dont want to jinx it but i think the increase to 125mg of lamical is helping
i'm not sure if maybe this time its so easy because i'm not despreate or in a hurry to get to a gw - anything under 127 is lower than i've been in years - its almost like a game i'm playing with myself - i realize that this is a distraction from my life - if i'm always thinking about my disease than i can't think about whatever else is in my head

my Lamictal was upped to 125mg on Monday and so far no side effects other than the insomnia which if anyone's been on a ton of different meds knows that 1 slightly annoying side effect is worth tolerating. Since last Thursday I've gone from 134 to 128 - i'm sure the first 3 lbs were all water weight
I've been under 1200 calories everyday - i'm not doing anything super low like i used to aka 500 - i've been trying to go to the gym everyday too - i honestly feel less hungry after working out and that has been great since i usually blow my cals at night
I actually think i'm starting to feel a little better on the higher dose - dont want to jinx it tho - i think i will actually get down to my GW since i'm not desperate for it
before I was in such a hurry to get to my LW that I ended up blowing it - right now I almost fit into all of my sz 2 work pants and all of the sz 4s are big so every lb after I fit in all my pants will just be a benefit

sometimes i think i obsess over my disorder so i dont have to think about anything else - i think that is how it was with k at work - i put all my focus and energy into hating her, not being able to even hear her voice with out obsessive thoughts about her all day - but now she isn't working here anymore and once i started it has been so easy just to shift my thoughts to something else - of course that something else is my eating disorder but at least so far its just restrictive and not slipping back into b/p
i honestly have no desire to purge even if i get full - but i'm not sure if i'll feel differently aka the same as i used too now that this obsession is back

pdoc yesterday went ok - she thinks i should go back to therapy - i feel like i've talked the subjects of my life to death - i have good things in my life and i'm still not happy - i've tried hobbies and volunteering - i'm still unhappy for NO GOOD REASON - it makes me hate myself and how selfish i am since there is nothing obvious that I can see thats really wrong of bad
I'm a selfish person who is going to get the tragic reason to be sad that I deserve for being depressed when i have it better that alot of people

i'm going to the pdoc tonight - i'm not even really sure what to say to her - i'm not happy - but will increasing my meds even help? i wonder if the happiness i'm looking for isn't realistic

my sleep has been crap lately but if i take sleep meds i'm super groggy in the morning - i already know the solution: take the meds and go to bed around 9pm - thats SO early!! esp if i go to the gym after work - i get home around 645 and then by the time i shower its 715 - thats less than 2 hrs to spend with my boys (1 human, 1 dog :) ) and thats missing some quality trashy TV

Life's a bitch & then you relapse

i wonder how i even get by at work i can't even think - i sit and stare and thats enough for me - my god just typing that is pathetic. i bumped up to 100mg Lamictal on Dec 28 so its been almost a month and i'm really not seeing the benefit. I'm still slightly dizzy ALL the time - so much so that its normal

I hate how i have my thoughts and then within those thoughts i have this tiny bit of rational thought - the tiny rational voice says getting sickly thin, a new job, plastic surgery wont really make you happy - while my regular thoughts all say oh yes they will if you get there everything will be better - and since the rational thought is basically a whisper on bad days especially i tend to not hear it at all

Obsess stress repeat

today is friday and as i do every friday i'm telling myself that this
weekend i will get my shit together and start living my life the way i
think i want to - i really wish i had some kind of end goal for my
life - its nice to have something to strive for - all i can come up
with are extremely shallow like weight loss - there really is nothing
i want in life i have no passions no hobbies no seemingly impossible
aspirations


as i have for the past 6 years i wonder is this it? am i just killing
time until i die? is loving, being loved and being grateful for that
all there really is? the world seems to be all about love or lack of
love - people want to love and be loved, hate is the absence of love
-it seems like that is it - so i work to have money to do things with
my loved ones and strengthen our love/ relationship - maybe bringing
love into others lives?
fully aware this is babbling - just trying to work out whats in my head......

How to Disappear Completely

i want to look how i feel - i want to disappear - i want to be small fragile and translucent - i always avoid eyecontact - i never want people looking at me - i'd rather they just gaze thru me

its so funny to read things i've written and feel like they weren't written by the same person - i'm in a place where the things i feel are close to misery but i can't pin point what exactly is wrong - then i feel guilty for not having a tragic and specific reason for feeling this way. i've always felt like i don't deserve to feel the way i do - like if other people knew they would judge me for not having it as bad as someone else

i really want to edit the past things i wrote because reading them now they seem so fake - but i know i genuinely felt them at the time - i wish my meds would just give me a blissfully ignorant happy mind - because if i've been racking my brain and going to therapy for over 6 years and haven't come up with a solution than shouldn't I at least get to be medicated to be one of those airheaded people who thinks "everything is great!"

i really dont even think my story is worth others hearing - its not like it will ever help anyone - people that feel the way i do have concrete reasons not just some crappy memories and past regrets (this is the point where i try and remember if there is more to my past that i'm just blocking out) (this is also the point where thinking starts to literally hurt my brain and i stop)