Life

http://users.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm#questions1

this link is extremely straight forward and blunt but I found it really helpful

Saturday

Its been 1 week since I re-joined the gym and i'm not sure if its the Lamictal helping with my motivation or just how new it feels to be going but I'm finding it really easy to get up and go.

I'm finding that the down time I have is causing me to fall back on my habits and coping mechanisms (overeating)

In:
Almond Milk (40)
Protein Shake (160)
Toast & Mushroom Burger (210)
triscuits (225)
Tortilla (70), pb and j (100)
goldfish crackers (50)
coffee (15)
Toast (100)
Honey (120)
Sun Chips (300)
Yogurt (180)
peanut butter (200)
fluff (80)
Crunch bars (180)
Toast w butter (150)
Popcorn (240)
total 2350


Out:
30 min Ellipticle
Kick

I've joined the gym and gained a sense of community but in my down time I still feel like I'm missing something. This always happens to me - the novelty wears off as soon as I realize that the activity/job/hobby isn't going to fill the hole. and I know that it wasn't going to. just like I knew with my eating disorder that I would never reach my goal weight because I knew that reaching that number wouldn't change anything.

Thursday & Friday

THURSDAY NOV 17th
After having the Hershey's kiss I have a terrible headache, and feel tingly - maybe it's not related to the sugar - i always seem to have a really bad reaction to sugar tho

In:
Protein Shake (200)
Oatmeal (160)
Wellbutrin, Multivitamin
Banana (90)
Lentil Soup (190)
Salad (300) chickpeas, goat cheese, dressing
Vitamin D, Zinc
Hershey's Kiss (25)
Carrot (25)
Kimchi (15)
2 slices Deli Chicken Breast (45)
PF Changs: 1 Crab Rangoon (45)
Budda's Feast (110)
Brown Rice (150)
Soy Sauce (30)
Glass Wine: (150)
Mojito (160)
Lamictal, .5mg Ativan
total: 1695

Out:
None

*******************************************************

FRIDAY NOV 18th

This is the first time I've ever been honest in a food journal - usually as soon as I eat something high in calories I get discouraged or ashamed and don't record it - finally I'm starting to be honest. I'm not in a hurry to lose a ton of weight or to look really skinny. Thats my final goal but maybe because its winter or maybe because I'm finally a little bit okay with my body there isn't that desperate sense of urgency.

130pm a co-worker couldn't finish her American Chop Suey from a local deli and since I had already eaten most of the food I brought I ate it. My stomach hurts a little bit - probably from the oil or fat?
230pm sugar headache! lollipop and yorkie - ugh - this is what happens when I get started eating - I need to STOP I'm not hungry I'm just going to it out of habit (at least I'm admitting it)

In:
Toast (100), PB (200), Honey (100) {300}
Wellbutrin, Multivitamin
Bread (100), 3 slices Deli Chicken (70), Spicy Brown Mustard (10) {180}
2 Hershey's Kisses (50)
Lean Cuisine (250)
J's Deli Chop Suey 2 loose packed cups (400)
Pear (80)
Jolly Rancher Pink Lemonade Lollipop (30)
Mini Yorkie (25)
1/4 apple (30)
1 carrot (25)
Sushi (300)
Sun chips (250)
Yogurt w reeses (180)
Crunch bars (130)
total: 2335

Out:
45 min walk
Step


"I can't stop talking for fear of hearing unwanted sounds"

This week

Started taking Lamictal at night last night - still keeping me on 50mg - I'd like to increase but pdoc wants to make sure all the side effects have subsided first. I had a horrible headache while trying to fall asleep last night but 1mg ativan later i was out. I'm really excited to be back at the gym and can't wait to take another class tonight! there were no classes I could/wanted to take last night but I still went and did some cardio

In
25mg Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Multivitamin
Protein Shake w Almond Milk (200)
Oatmeal w Cinnamon (160)
Peanuts (300)
Salad(30), Cucumber(30), Red Pepper(25), 1/4c Goat Cheese (80), Dressing (50) {215}
Pear (80)
Carrot (25)
Vitamin D, Zinc
Turkey Noodle Soup (220)
Butternut Squash Fries (40)
Honey
50mg Lamictal, BCP, 1mg Ativan
total in:1240

Out
45 min Arc Trainer

*************************************************

Today I am planning on taking step at 630 - I have to work a little bit late to make up some time I missed leaving early for my dr. appt on monday. I really don't need alot of variety in my food which is funny because just the thought of routine for anything else makes me usually quit immediately.

In:
Protein Shake (200)
Oatmeal w Cinnamon (160)
Salad, Dressing, cucumber, red pepper, goat cheese (260)
Wellbutrin, Multivitamin
Popcorn (50)
Vitamin D, Zinc
Pear (80)
Oatmeal (160)
1/3c sloppy joe's
honey
total:

Out:
25 min Ellipticle
Step

a sense of community

Went to the gym today and renewed my membership. I also took 2 classes (pilates and step) and it felt amazing. I forgot how great it felt to be in the gym and around friendly people. Even though I've haven't been there in over a year (460 days to be exact when they looked up my former membership....) SO many people remembered me and seemed really happy that I was back - it just made me feel great and I really hope that making the gym a part of my life continues to help

This gym is the kind of place where everyone dresses in cute gym clothes and alot of people don't like that kind of gym but I really enjoy it. I like picking out a cute outfit for gym and the social aspect (even though I am crap with my memory and a little socially awkward)

I have appointment with my pdoc tomorrow and I'm excited to report to her that I think the lamictal is working

mental health eating disorder ... what made what worse

My eating disorder started and then about a year later I was really depressed and I'm not sure if my eating disorder is what caused that depression. I went to the pdoc to get medication for my depression. As my eating disorder continued I found myself wanting medication to reduce my appetite and was able to get a diagnosis of ADD and several medications (adderall, straterra, dexedrine) each promised to kill my appetite but none of them did. My mental health declined and I felt just plain crazy - I couldn't escape my thoughts. I wonder if I made my mental health worse with my eating disorder.

Headaches make me feel crazy - they fog my thinking - thankfully this blog is just a place for me to type the way I think - scattered jumbled incomplete

I have always wanted to write or blog but I just don't have the ability to set the scene and create context. My writing in my opinion is just very factual not creative

Lamictal increasing to 75mg on Wednesday - by Nov 30th I'll be up to 100mg and I really hope to feel stabilized - until then I'm going to hit up the gym and try and keep hope

eating disorder .... disordered eating

I have struggled with an eating disorder or some for of disordered eating since high school - binge eating, emotional eating, bulimia, etc... I consider myself in recovery since I am actively trying to change
I think much of my disordered eating behaviors are now habits not necessarily coping mechanisms. I still have the urge to practice bulimia but I haven't acted on it in about 6 months.

I hate to feel hungry - feeling hungry affects everything from my mood to how I feel physically

Every time I eat sugar I get a horrible stomach ache - it doesn't matter if I have just eaten or if the sugar is on an empty stomach the reaction is the same.

I am rejoining my gym that I quit last year and I took a class on Friday morning and it felt great - this is a gym I had worked at 6 years ago then joined after I stopped working there. Even though I hadn't belonged in a year and didn't use my membership in the year before that everyone remembered me and I just felt like I belonged and that is a wonderful feeling I haven't had in a while.

I really hope that my new medication will help me to feel good enough to not need to cope/overeat/zone-out/whatever

As usual I really want tomorrow to be a fresh start and for this time it to be different but at the same time in the back of my head I hear "you know it wont last" - my negative self talk in my opinion is very quiet and subtle there is no inner voice screaming at me or any acknowledged self loathing but maybe I'm just blocking it out.......

purpose /meaning

Today I feel sad, hopeless, have a headache and am nauseated

2pm Anxiety is taking over, I'm hungry, the combination is making me miserable and irrational - oh did i mention i'm at work and on an important conference call? I feel like crazy crap - confused, anxious, full of adrenaline

I feel so scattered that its even a challenge to sit and think about how i'm even feeling. I have read that the Lamictal can cause some destablization during the titration up to the higher dosages

I’d like to find purpose in my life – so that whatever it is that I’m doing is working towards a higher goal – I’ve read you have to make your meaning – I feel like I’m spiritual but its hard for me to connect with exactly what it is that God wants (aside from living life as a good person) – but maybe there isn’t and I have to find my own way to be a good person – to give back – to help others and there is no set way – I just have to take the skills and knowledge I have and do something. I know that doing anything is better than sitting at home watching tv. I hope I can find something that I can do after work – I’m sure that even doing something on the weekends would be a good start.

It is definitely fear that holds me back - its like I know I should change but I also don't want to which makes no sense since I am so miserable

I can't make decisions, I have so many things I like but not one thing that sticks out to make me passionate about it.

friendships

Nov 7 6th day at 50mg - I feel more hopeful and a little more motivated - I also slept from 730p - 530a - its encouraging to feel hopeful

I feel sped up - like i've had caffeine or something - but when I feel this rush of adrenaline it makes me really social and forgiving - i'm thinking about getting together with a friend who's MI caused us to drift apart but now she is properly medicated (or so she says) for BP or BPD. I do care about her but after everything that has happened I honestly can't tell if she is faking being ok or not. I know that its not her fault she has a MI and that she went off ALL her meds during her pregnancy and had post-partum really bad. We drifted apart because of all the things she was doing despite my attempts to help her. I knew I couldn't help her she needed to want to get treatment and get better herself.

-----

that was at 3pm

now its 1045pm and I just got home from having a drink with my friend. She really is nice but she just has too many issues for me to deal with. Its weird to see they way she acts now "properly medicated" is basically the same as she was before. She said she is on adderall which I think is a HORRIBLE idea. She uses it for weight loss and to keep herself feeling up. She also said she doesn't have true mania so that's why she isn't BP 1. I can't believe that she is classic manic - shopping, impulsive POOR decisions involving her safety,sex, money, etc. 


She isn't the kind of person who is okay with a casual relationship - she wants to be together all of the time and I really really can't do that. I might join the gym again (where I met her) so I will probably see her there and I hope that is enough. 

Social Anxiety & Paranoia

Paranoia
I've always cared about what other people think of me. And when I say "other people" I mean ALL other people. Anyone who meets me, sees me, passes me on the street etc. I think I became paranoid in HS (with good reason since I was being talked about behind my back at the time) and heightened my senses. I can hear things that are spoken very softly - co-workers are always amazed that I can hear the things they say 2 or 3 cubicles away

I know everyone talks about people, including people they really like - I mean I do it too. Most of the time I can handle it since I openly joke about my flaws (I'm ok if you talk about something I already know about myself like I'm WAY too hyper early in the morning and can get annoying)

I am always paranoid about how I am perceived in social situations. I wear blackout sunglasses so I can observe everything around me without people seeing that I am scrutinizing my surroundings. Rationally I'm sure that most people don't even give me a second thought and the ones that do forget about me a minute later. I plan my outfits and do my hair and makeup and look the part of someone who is together and fashionable. I strive to not be thought about negatively - I'm looking for neutral or positive responses.

I am even paranoid about how I am perceived by my husband and we have been together for over 11 years. I still wear makeup to cover blemishes after I've washed my face if he is going to see me. I wont discuss certain things with him (anything embarrassing/gross, my mental health). I know he would never say anything to me but I feel like it would affect the perception he has of me. I get that I should feel comfortable and be myself but its nothing to do with him its just my paranoia

Anxiety
I never had any close friends in HS and would DREAD group work since everyone in my class had someone they liked better than me. It was so embarrassing and awful to be sitting there like the loser with no friends. This really increased my social anxiety and this particular situational anxiety plagued me all through HS, into college and now into my work life.

I hate the idea of running into ANYONE from my HS. I've convinced myself that no one liked me and that if I reached out to anyone they would look at me like "WTF we were never friends in HS WHY are you friending me on fb, talking to me etc". Its almost like I feel like this person and I must have had a fight that I just don't remember and now I'm acting like everything is great and we are totally close
When I think back I can't really remember how I left things with people - I don't think I had any fallings out but at the same time I can't be sure that they liked/like me

I REFUSE to friend people on facebook from my past. My thoughts are they can friend me. I have thought to myself why the hell is this person friending me?! we never even spoke in HS. I get anxious that people might be thinking that about me.

Friends

I am so over people, "friends ", everyone ive ever tried to be friends with, every friend ive ever gotten close to has fucked me over. People tell me to keep being nice and generous but i am SO over it. Im sick of being hurt I'd rather just not even try to have friends anymore. I have family and at this point that is all I need.

The hurt I hold on to is there because I still see these people in my life - the ones that have hurt me and I never will see again I have forgotten about and thinking about those memories aren't painful -but I'm not sure I could say I have forgiven them.... but maybe I have
I'd like to be able to forgive myself as well. I always get myself into the same situations somehow -I don't know how to pick friends that aren't going to screw me over - and everytime its been long enough that I try and start a new friendship - it always ends the same way....

People who have hurt me:
-extended family member - for no reason she is unpleasant (aka a horrible drama starting, ungrateful, overreactive bitch) to everyone in the family and I honestly don't think she has any idea that I HATE her because for the sake of family members that I like I always put on a happy front (esp since we only see them at christmas if that) One year I got her son a christmas present and she accused me of wanting to be his MOM! WTF who DOES that!

-co-worker ex-friend - I put alot of time, emotion and energy into this friendship and I ended up introducing her to another friend of mine at work. As it always happens in my life she ditched me for this new friend. She always complained about being SO poor and made up excuses to not do anything social (even if it was free and EVEN when it was my birthday). Then she goes out and buys expensive clothes - but she couldn't spend $3 on a beer with me. I started to distance myself from her. THEN she runs into my friend at work who she has only met 3 times in passing in the cafeteria and she goes out to a bar with her! after all those times she turned me down because everything was too expensive or whatever. So it was ME - FINE - I shut that bitch DOWN - I don't talk to her at work unless I absolutely have to, I glare at her sometimes, I talk shit about her to others - sometimes when she is in earshot. I don't even know if she knows I hate her - she still smiles at me in the hallway and says hi even if I'm glaring at her. Also the friend she ditched me for has always talked to me as if nothing is going on - does she not talk about me? One would think that if a person suddenly stops talking to you and the two of you were close that means something is up. But I guess she didn't really care and that really really hurts when I put so much in and was always inclusive, generous, and understanding

-friend in a new town after college - I made my classic mistake of introducing her to one of my friends and BAM they were besties and I was left out. I realize I must have a knack for matching people up or maybe its a curse.

-college roommate - i lent her ALOT of money after only knowing her for about a month for a medical procedure (she paid me back right away). I was friends with this girl across the hall and when this new girl became my roommate I included her. She talked so much shit about me and I have NO clue why. Then a month or so later she wanted to move off campus with me and the other girl (I didn't know she was talking shit about me then). When the second semester came around we found out she had FAILED out of school - so the only reason she pushed for us to live off campus was because she wasn't going to be able to live there since she flunked out.

working backwards those are the most recent examples - there are more but these are the ones that still play on my mind - some more than others
writing it all out and being honest with myself that their actions hurt me feels good - and maybe reliving the pain without covering it up with "i dont care" will help me start on the road to forgiveness

How to fill the void

My life looks good from the outside. happily married, house, job that pays decently well that I like (as far as desk jobs go), loving family & in-laws.....
so why do I feel this void? I constantly rack my brain to the point of exhaustion trying to figure out what I could do to fill it. Every answer I come up with scares me - what if I sacrifice things in my life to take a new route and I end up feeling the same way I do now.
I thought that the problem might be that I need a job that will add meaning/ purpose to my life - well none of those jobs pay so I'd have to have a crap load of money already
I thought about volunteering but for some reason all the volunteer opportunities are during the day when I'm at work. I had the best time volunteering at our local hospital but that was when I was unemployed 2 years and if I had gotten anything other than a full time job I would have lost my unemployment benefits. Volunteering while unemployed was the BEST thing I could have done. It opened my eyes to what really matters and it gave me skills and something to put on my resume to show that I was being productive while out of work.
When I was deep into my eating disorder I remember being terrified of reaching my goal weight because in the back of my mind there was a part of me that knew that when I did I would still feel miserable. Being a certain weight was not going to magically change how I felt.
I have been thinking and stressing about this for YEARS now and all I want is for it to stop. At this point I would rather be drugged up and blissfully unaware than feeling this desperate, depressed, hopelessness.

Love me a good ugly cry

Tomorrow I increase my Lamictal to 50mg - I'm really excited to feel the effects of this medication but it wont be until the end of the month until I get to 100mg and probably feel the full effect. Today was a really stressful day at work and also a bad emotional day. I ended up crying a little at my desk out of frustration and as always it felt so good - I do love me a good ugly cry but I have to save those for home. I try to think about how I feel but I feel so flat. My head is really fuzzy and its too much effort to even try and think of something to write about or art to create.

The art that I like to create the most is icons/avatars. I made these alot when I was deep in my eating disorder but I think it was more that I had something to say when I made those. Now I have no idea what I stand for or what messages I want to get out there.

Alot of what I had created I don't want to put out there so my portfolio is going to have to be rebuilt- my work is here:http://lettersthatdefineus.deviantart.com
I named my portfolio "Letters That Define Us" as a nod to struggles with mental illness. Its hard not to feel defined by the labels of a diagnosis. my letters are MDD, AADD, GAD, ED and alot of the time I really do feel like they define me