being stuck
I can't make decisions- I can't even make a dream board - I can never pick one thing because for some reason I've never had a clear idea of what I want. Nothing drives me. I would love to do the kind of work that a person can only do if they have enough money to never have to have a real full time job. To even volunteer in the areas that I want I would have to have a job at night - all of the volunteer opportunities are during normal business hours. Every second shift job I have found pays no where near what I am making now. Its all so frustrating - I think I'm going to make today a lazy sunday (as if every moment I'm home isn't a lazy time) - sleeping on the couch and going to be early it is.
"I'll try and start over again tomorrow" I never believe it when I say it - I wish I could have something that I was working towards that I cared about. Nothing is motivating or special to me. I've trained and ran in half marathons, I've planned fundraisers and events, I've gotten in shape for weddings and special events. It all feels so pointless - I just don't care - I just don't
I want to just stay home with my dog and do nothing.
So obviously my mood is depressed and hopeless today - I had a few drinks at a halloween party last night and today I feel horrible - this was the first time I had drank more than 1 glass of wine on the Lamictal. I'm not sure if it was that the vodka was so cheap, the meds or a combination of both.
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