How to Disappear Completely

i want to look how i feel - i want to disappear - i want to be small fragile and translucent - i always avoid eyecontact - i never want people looking at me - i'd rather they just gaze thru me

its so funny to read things i've written and feel like they weren't written by the same person - i'm in a place where the things i feel are close to misery but i can't pin point what exactly is wrong - then i feel guilty for not having a tragic and specific reason for feeling this way. i've always felt like i don't deserve to feel the way i do - like if other people knew they would judge me for not having it as bad as someone else

i really want to edit the past things i wrote because reading them now they seem so fake - but i know i genuinely felt them at the time - i wish my meds would just give me a blissfully ignorant happy mind - because if i've been racking my brain and going to therapy for over 6 years and haven't come up with a solution than shouldn't I at least get to be medicated to be one of those airheaded people who thinks "everything is great!"

i really dont even think my story is worth others hearing - its not like it will ever help anyone - people that feel the way i do have concrete reasons not just some crappy memories and past regrets (this is the point where i try and remember if there is more to my past that i'm just blocking out) (this is also the point where thinking starts to literally hurt my brain and i stop)