Friends

I am so over people, "friends ", everyone ive ever tried to be friends with, every friend ive ever gotten close to has fucked me over. People tell me to keep being nice and generous but i am SO over it. Im sick of being hurt I'd rather just not even try to have friends anymore. I have family and at this point that is all I need.

The hurt I hold on to is there because I still see these people in my life - the ones that have hurt me and I never will see again I have forgotten about and thinking about those memories aren't painful -but I'm not sure I could say I have forgiven them.... but maybe I have
I'd like to be able to forgive myself as well. I always get myself into the same situations somehow -I don't know how to pick friends that aren't going to screw me over - and everytime its been long enough that I try and start a new friendship - it always ends the same way....

People who have hurt me:
-extended family member - for no reason she is unpleasant (aka a horrible drama starting, ungrateful, overreactive bitch) to everyone in the family and I honestly don't think she has any idea that I HATE her because for the sake of family members that I like I always put on a happy front (esp since we only see them at christmas if that) One year I got her son a christmas present and she accused me of wanting to be his MOM! WTF who DOES that!

-co-worker ex-friend - I put alot of time, emotion and energy into this friendship and I ended up introducing her to another friend of mine at work. As it always happens in my life she ditched me for this new friend. She always complained about being SO poor and made up excuses to not do anything social (even if it was free and EVEN when it was my birthday). Then she goes out and buys expensive clothes - but she couldn't spend $3 on a beer with me. I started to distance myself from her. THEN she runs into my friend at work who she has only met 3 times in passing in the cafeteria and she goes out to a bar with her! after all those times she turned me down because everything was too expensive or whatever. So it was ME - FINE - I shut that bitch DOWN - I don't talk to her at work unless I absolutely have to, I glare at her sometimes, I talk shit about her to others - sometimes when she is in earshot. I don't even know if she knows I hate her - she still smiles at me in the hallway and says hi even if I'm glaring at her. Also the friend she ditched me for has always talked to me as if nothing is going on - does she not talk about me? One would think that if a person suddenly stops talking to you and the two of you were close that means something is up. But I guess she didn't really care and that really really hurts when I put so much in and was always inclusive, generous, and understanding

-friend in a new town after college - I made my classic mistake of introducing her to one of my friends and BAM they were besties and I was left out. I realize I must have a knack for matching people up or maybe its a curse.

-college roommate - i lent her ALOT of money after only knowing her for about a month for a medical procedure (she paid me back right away). I was friends with this girl across the hall and when this new girl became my roommate I included her. She talked so much shit about me and I have NO clue why. Then a month or so later she wanted to move off campus with me and the other girl (I didn't know she was talking shit about me then). When the second semester came around we found out she had FAILED out of school - so the only reason she pushed for us to live off campus was because she wasn't going to be able to live there since she flunked out.

working backwards those are the most recent examples - there are more but these are the ones that still play on my mind - some more than others
writing it all out and being honest with myself that their actions hurt me feels good - and maybe reliving the pain without covering it up with "i dont care" will help me start on the road to forgiveness